


Date With Death

by TenSpencerRiedPlease



Series: Utter Nonsense [8]
Category: Black Panther (2018), Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Canon Divergence - Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), He is a good egg its just that he's bad at dating, Humor, M/M, Post-Captain America: Civil War (Movie), Sam Wilson is So Done, Sam Wilson is a Gift, Sweet T'Challa (Marvel), T'Challa is Trying ok
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-27
Updated: 2018-04-27
Packaged: 2019-04-28 11:12:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14448075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TenSpencerRiedPlease/pseuds/TenSpencerRiedPlease
Summary: Based offthisprompt.T’Challa frowns at Shuri, “how do you get an American to like you?” he asks, eyeing Sam from across the room.Shuri frowns at him, “I think he already does like you, T’Challa.”He rolls his eyes, wondering if his sister is obtuse or just young. “I meant in a more… not friendly sense,” he says and Shuri wrinkles her nose.“Oh,gross!"





	Date With Death

**Author's Note:**

> That prompt was cute as shit and I'm stuck on Inimitable so I thought you know what, break it up a little and maybe you'll get inspiration. I didn't but you know what, this came out cute!

T’Challa frowns at Shuri, “how do you get an American to like you?” he asks, eyeing Sam from across the room.

Shuri frowns at him, “I think he already does like you, T’Challa.”

He rolls his eyes, wondering if his sister is obtuse or just young. “I meant in a more… not friendly sense,” he says and Shuri wrinkles her nose.

“Oh, _gross_! I don’t know, why did you think I would?” she asks.

He shrugs, “well you’re the one who likes to claim she knows everything,” he says in a light tone, giving her a _look_. Shuri rolls her eyes at him and walks away, not dignifying that with a response so T’Challa sighs, deciding he will go to Nakia for some help.

*

Nakia is good at research on culture- she has to be for her job- but she agrees to help T’Challa out in favor of him gathering information on Okoye. He reluctantly agrees because he needs the help and Nakia is good. In a matter or hours she has collected several cutesy things to do by American standards and sends him off with instructions on how to get the information Nakia wants from Okoye.

T’Challa looks over his list and decides that flowers are a good place to start.

*

Sam squints at T’Challa as he walks Sam to his room for no perceivable reason at all but he doesn’t mind the company of the king either. Its just that he finds it a little strange that T’Challa had been so insistent in walking him back to his room. “How are you liking Wakanda?” he asks softly, smiling down at him. He resents the whole two inches T’Challa has on him. Better than Steve he guesses, who is just a touch taller than the king. Sam _does_ get to live with the knowledge that he’s taller than Barnes though and that’s all that matters.

He frowns at T’Challa’s question though because Wakanda is… stunning, but strange. He’s never felt so out of place in a sea of black people before but its clear that the locals at least found him interesting enough to look at or some kind of problem to glare at. “Beautiful country, but the locals are a little odd,” he says honestly. Truthfully he hopes T’Challa has some kind of explanation for why the locals keep giving him the side eye every time he’s out in public. He didn’t think he’d get that here and he’s starting to think that had been a bit naïve.

T’Challa sighs, “yes, well the Avengers hardly reacted well to the Accords, which my father was instrumental in writing… And even if that weren’t true Wakanda has been closed off for hundreds of years- we don’t tend to like outsiders. Especially not Americans- I’m sure you’re aware of how America is perceived overseas,” he says. He winces as he says it, like it pains him to admit all that out loud. Sam opens his mouth to defend himself on the Accords bit but reconsiders after a moment. T’Chaka’s death is still fresh for T’Challa, it doesn’t seem fair to aggravate that now matter what his reasons are. So he lets that go in favor of asking about the other part of that.

“So I’ve been getting the side eye because I’m _American_?” he asks, laughing. “See now that’s funny because in America I’m ‘African American’ and here I guess I get the privilege of just being regular American.” Damn, he’d been hoping in a country of black people that hadn’t been colonized he’d be in some kind of race utopia and America is _still_ fucking him over. Totally typical.

His response makes T’Challa squint a little though, “they identify you by _continent_ not country? Do they do that with all people there?” he asks and Sam snorts.

“Most people yeah, except white people. They’re just American- but some of them make distinctions. Usually only if they live in an area with a specific ethnic group. Anyway the Africa thing is partially because slavery wiped out any knowledge we had of what country we came from specifically but also because there are a weird number of people think Africa is a country.” He wonders, briefly, how the king would react to those starving African children commercials he used to see all the time as a kid. Truth be told he must have internalized some of that because he’d been _shocked_ when he got to Wakanda and that wasn’t exactly fair. He already had a significant amount of evidence that Wakanda had some shit going on and when he got here well, he’d gone through a little shock.

For a moment it looks like T’Challa short circuits as he tries to process what Sam just said and then he shakes his head. “I am sorry, I simply cannot imagine how an entire country full of people would not know that a continent is… a continent, not a country. How prevalent is this? Like popular or is it loud like your strange flat earthers?” he asks.

Sam lets out a laugh, “flat earthers are pretty fun to have a conversation with, let me tell you. But no, a rather large portion of people think Africa is a country.” Sometimes he wonders how those people passed geography but then he remembers how bad his geography lessons in grade school were. He spent all his time shooting spit balls at this annoying red head at the front of the room but he’s never had to pay attention in class. Academics come easy to him, always have.

T’Challa rubs his temples, considering that before shaking his head. “America is… strange,” he says eventually, seemingly at a loss for how to handle American assumptions.

“You want weird start reading news stories from Florida,” Sam tells him, opening the door to his room. For a couple seconds he’s stunned by the sheer amount of flowers in his room but then his nose and eyes start to itch and his breathing becomes labored. The last thing he remembers before he passes out is T’Challa’s concerned face as his world goes black.

*

Nakia looks at him for a solid thirty seconds before she shakes her head, “and I thought you courting _me_ went badly,” she says. “Apparently it gets _worse_.”

“I think it would have been okay if he hadn’t nearly died from that allergic reaction,” T’Challa says in his own defense. He has since made sure all traces of the flowers Sam is allergic to are not anywhere Sam will be.

“T’Challa he almost _died_ ,” she says. “How are you this bad at courting people? You are a king and here you are floundering around nearly killing the person you’re trying to court. Try something he can’t be allergic to next time. Honestly,” she mumbles, shaking her head at him again. He feels that he simply cannot be held responsible for Sam being allergic to flowers he has never been exposed to. This is the kind of thing that can happen to anyone, really.

*

“I _promise_ you there are no flowers,” T’Challa says, looking pretty repentant for a guy that couldn’t have known of Sam’s allergy. No one did, himself included considering he’s never been exposed to Wakanda’s deadly ass flowers until now.

“I mean I figured you weren’t trying to lead me to my death,” Sam deadpans and T’Challa looks like he’s constipated, which is an oddly cute look for him. Sam immediately shoves that thought from his mind because that’s some _weird_ line of thinking and that’s absolutely not happening.

He sighs, “sorry,” he says for probably the hundredth time.

Sam shrugs, “whatever man. Shit happens- how were you supposed to know I’d be allergic to the flowers?”

“Well, I could have guessed you might have had an allergy no one knew about due to lack of exposure…” T’Challa mumbles.

“Yeah, pretty sure no one would have put those things together. So come on, I want to see this sunset you’re on about mostly so I can run it in Clint’s face that you like me better,” he says.

“It wouldn’t be a lie. The man is an ass and his head reminds me of a coconut,” T’Challa says, earning an embarrassingly loud snort from Sam.

He doesn’t mean to laugh so hard, its just that Clint’s head _does_ look like a coconut and Sam isn’t exactly fond of the guy either. Even if he’d really like to know how Clint did that with the arrows. “too bad he doesn’t taste like coconut,” Sam says, immediately regretting his words because who the hell even says stuff like that? And to a _king_?

T’Challa frowns, “you have that frame of reference?” he asks and Sam feels his soul die a little.

“I… I mean I don’t think he’d taste like coconut but like I’m not looking to eat him to test it out either,” he says. Thankfully T’Challa laughs, shaking his head.

“At least your jokes are amusing,” he says, gesturing for Sam to follow him.

*

Things had been going perfectly fine- favorable even- until the damn panther decided to make an appearance. T’Challa is used to the animals- they roam Wakanda fairly freely and are used to humans thanks to their interactions with them. Bast is a panther, they treat the cats with respect and because of this they’re friendly with the population. Sam however is clearly not used to large cats being in the near vicinity because he lets out a long, thin squeak that attracts the panther’s attention. The cat, sensing Sam’s apprehension trots over to him out of curiosity but when he scuttles back the panther becomes cautious.

“You stop that,” T’Challa tells the panther. The cat turns to face him and Sam lets out a breath of relief.

“Thank _god_ you have panther controlling powers, I thought I was gunna die,” he says, drawing the cat’s attention back to him because T’Challa does not have any power over panthers.

“That is not what I do,” he says. “Panthers are just important in Wakandan culture and theology. Now you,” he tells the cat, “you get out of here. You don’t even like humans very much.” Sam squints at him but its not like he knows T’Challa has specific knowledge of what panthers were in this area in particular. And the one currently creeping towards Sam has never really been fond of humans, preferring to stay away until now apparently. Just because this panther is intent on ruining his date.

“Get out of here,” he tells the cat in Wakandan. The panther looks at him again, considering him for a moment before following his order and slinking off. “For the record, the know you’re afraid and they react to it. Its best to let them sniff you and walk off, they’re solitary animals and don’t tend to stick around long,” he tells Sam.

Sam looks at him like he’s grown a second head, “and what if it ate me?” he asks.

T’Challa laughs, “oh they don’t like humans, he’d spit you out and go hunt something less disgusting,” he says.

Sam frowns, looking a little pale. “I don’t feel so good,” he mumbles.

By the time they get back to the house T’Challa doesn’t feel very well either.

*

Okoye shakes her head, looking down at T’Challa as he shakes under his covers. “You are doomed when it comes to dating,” she tells him, casually turning the page of the magazine she’s reading.

He ignores his chattering teeth and general feeling of stickiness, “what kind of flowers do you like?” he mumbles.

The question earns him an eyebrow raise from Okoye, “you know I’m only interested in women, right?” she asks.

Yes he’s known that since forever so he rolls his eyes. “Obviously. I am asking for Nakia,” he tells her before he remembers that he’s not supposed to do that.

Okoye grins, flipping another page in her magazine. “I knew she asked you to do something in exchange for your help. I’ve seen wondering about her for years and since you’re foolishly dating the American I will happily court Nakia,” she tells him, laughing as she walks away.

“You’re not going to stay?” he asks, carefully poking his head out of the blanket he’s got wrapped around himself.

She snorts, “I am your general, not your father,” she tells him, leaving the room. T’Challa drops his head back to his pillow and wonders how Sam if fairing. If he feels this bad enhanced Sam could not be doing very well.

*

Sam is fairly certain he has died four times in the last twelve hours alone but Steve, as it turns out, has good nursing skills. Something he learned taking care of himself back in the forties apparently. “I think T’Challa is trying to kill me,” Sam croaks out.

Steve lets out a small laugh, “I don’t think he’s trying to kill you Sam. Actually I think he might be trying to date you,” he says.

“I have almost died three times in his presence. First was the flowers, then the panther, and now this,” he says. He reaches for the pillow lying next to him and he hands it to Steve, “put me out of my misery.”

“Oh my god Sam, I’m not killing you because you have food poisoning. Relax and sleep, it’ll pass,” Steve tells him.

Sam lets out a long, thin groan. “I can’t wait that long, just put that pillow over my head. I’m too weak to struggle much,” he says.

“I’m not killing you, Sam. But you are going to have to bathe; my nose can’t handle you anymore. I’m sorry,” he says, letting his disgust flicker across his face for a brief moment. Sam resents that because he’s dying and Steve can’t even be polite enough to kill him _or_ handle his funky smell.

*

When Sam finally recovers, which is far later than T’Challa, Okoye and Nakia decide to put poor T’Challa out of his misery. “He’s cute but not as cute as you,” Okoye tells Nakia. Not that anyone could really top her beauty honestly- that’s a hard bar to meet.

“After all the torture T’Challa put him through I’m surprised he’s still good looking. The poor man almost died on three separate occasions. Steve tells me he’s convinced T’Challa is trying to kill him,” Nakia says.

Okoye can’t say she blames the man- if she nearly died three times in T’Challa’s presence she would think that T’Challa was trying to kill her too. “Well we might as well fill him in,” she says.

Nakia sighs, “I can’t believe he got _worse_ at this as he aged,” she says, shaking her head.

“And here I thought nearly getting eaten by a lion trying to say hello was bad,” she agrees.

“Oh you should have _heard_ his pitiful attempt at a hello. It was like this long, thing squeaking noise. Have you heard of mothman? That American cryptid? The noise he made is the same noise those American’s in Point Pleasant reported hearing from the mothman,” she says.

Okoye has never heard of that thing a day in her life and she does not believe she is missing out either. “I will take your word for it,” she says as they enter the living space where Sam is currently perched with his robot drone that he has a weird attachment to. Out of the corner of her eye she spies T’Challa melt back into the shadows, only unnoticed by Sam, who is focused on his drone. He only looks up when she and Nakia are basically on top of him and he jumps.

“Uh, hey?” he asks more than states.

“T’Challa is trying court you but he’s bad at it. _Spectacularly_ bad. Honestly he is _legendary_ in his awful attempts at approaching potential partners, truly atrocious, the worst I have ever-” she continues until she is predictably cut off by T’Challa, who immediately defends his honor like she expects him to.

“I am not _that_ bad!” he says, offended.

“When you approached me you sounded like an American cryptid,” Nakia reminds him.

“I almost died three times,” Sam deadpans. And if we’re going to go on a date I am planning it- there will be no panthers because we will be indoors. There are already no flowers thank _god_ , and to solve the food problem I have decided to feed everything I eat to Clint first just to see how he reacts in twenty minutes. He thinks I’m being friendly but actually I’m just trying to ensure I don’t die,” he says.

T’Challa grins, “fantastic, I look forward to it!” he says with far too much enthusiasm for a date his partner is only planning to avoid his own imminent death.

*

Shuri decides to check this Sam character out- it’s her sisterly duty to ensure her brother isn’t dating a serial killer or something- and he finds the man flying this… _thing_ around. “What is _that_?” she asks, gesturing to the drone.

Sam grins, “that’s redwing, what do you think?” he asks and Shuri looks back over to the flying bot.

“Its… primitive,” she says eventually, giving the bot a pitying look. Sam looks so hilariously offended at this that she decides if nothing else he will be amusing to poke fun of.

**Author's Note:**

> [My writing Tumblr](https://tenspencerriedplease.tumblr.com/)


End file.
